That familiar feeling

The day we first drove to Crumlin with the envelope entitled "oncology" containing Karaghs scans and files(before we knew it was definatley cancer) I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just knew it was going to be bad news. I knew they were going to tell us she had cancer. 

Karagh's due an mri on the 3rd and for some reason I have that exact feeling again. I dont know why but its there, niggling away at me all day & all night. 

Sigh :(

A long over due post

Where do I start. I last wrote in my blog when Karagh was 9 months old, she is now 11 months & 3 days old! Way to long since I wrote. Karagh is growing up so fast, I cannot believe she is a year old in less than a month! Time has flown. We have had so many ups & downs since she was born. I still find it a bit hard to believe that she had cancer. Cancer. Some days I pretend it never happened, then I remind myself that it is nothing to be forgotten. It shows how strong & determined she is and will continue to be for the rest of her life.
Over the last 2 months we have had lots of fun together. We went our first family holiday to spain, Karagh loved every moment of it, especially the pool!

We have some great news! Myself & Keith got engaged. He proposed to me on July 28th while we were out having dinner!

Karagh is due for her next scan on 3rd September. She will have an MRI scan under sedation. Not looking forward to it at all :(

Happy 9 months!

Today is Karagh's 9 month birthday!

This perky flower is here to stay,
there will be no more chemo today,

Just smiles & giggles & maybe a nap
time to have lunch & time on a lap,

The sunshine & blue skies are telling us
that God is always there,
watching, protecting, love us,
& helping Karagh grow some hair

Bad dreams

The last 3 nights I have had bad dreams. Of Karagh and cancer. I hate that I have to use those two words in the one sentence!! So wrong. I know its over but its never actually going to be over. Its going to hang over us FOREVER. I dont know why but the last few days the word "relapse" is in my head. All day every day. Thats probably why I'm having these bad dreams. I am terrified its going to happen and I don't know how to get it out of my head. I am dreading Karagh's scans in June in case its bad. But in a way I'm looking forward to them to put my mind at ease again for a few weeks. 3 months in between scans is a long time. Every time she cries I think to myself is she alright? Is the cancer back? Its a nightmare that will just go on and on.

:(

Having Freddy out!

So tomorrow is the day that Karagh will have her Freddy removed. We are so happy that its going to be gone for 2 reasons, its really starting to irritate Karagh's skin and she pulls at it alot especially in the bath! And it will really hit home that its over. As I said we are really happy to have it removed but I am dreading tomorrow. I hate seeing Karagh be put asleep, she will be under full anesthetic and will be in surgery to have it removed. They said it should not take long but the minutes always seem to drag when she is having anything done, especially anything with the word "sedation" involved. I will have to bring her into theatre and hold her down on the bed while the doctors put a mask on her face to gas her to sleep. Hate the thoughts of it :(

Please keep Karagh in your prayers for tomorrow, I will update when its all done xxx

A few thoughts

"We have found a mass on Karagh's spine."
"It might be cancerous."
"Karagh has cancer."
I will never forget these days for the rest of my life. Every time I think of them my heart sinks.
People say to me how did you do it, and I don't have an answer to give. We didn't have a choice but to do it. We had to sit and watch our 3 month old daughter be pumped with chemo that made her sick, we had to watch her be sedated numerous times for scans & tests, we had to watch her be put under anaesthetic for her biopsy, bone marrow aspirates and central line insertion. We had no choice. We wanted Karagh better and this was the only way possible. Parents should never have to watch their child go through this. Many times I thought to myself, give it to me instead. I would have gone through it a million times over rather than see Karagh have to deal with it.
Why Karagh? Why any child? Cancer is an unfair monster that robs children of their childhood. Karagh lost 3 months of her life to this monster. She is lucky, a lot of kids loose their entire life. Cancer robs their future. When I look at Karagh I realise how lucky we are. Karagh could have been robbed of her life like so many other kids. She could have lost her entire life.
I feel guilty when I talk to other parents that have lost their child to cancer, or to a parent whose child is still fighting cancer. I want them all to be like Karagh. To be on the other side of the battle with the trophy. The trophy being their life.

Karagh is my hero. 6 months old and a childhood cancer survivor. She still has a long road ahead. She is NED. I cannot wait for the day she is declared all clear.
After 2 years she will be declared in remission.
It will be 5 years until she is declared all clear. I can see the day already.
Because I know in my heart and soul its over. She wont have to ever go through this again.

My girl

I love writing in my blog. As soon as I sit down to start to write my mind draws a blank. I was like that in school too, especially when it came to my exams, I always knew what to write but never knew where to start. That's how I am with my blog I have tons in my head that I want to put down then I sit for about 10 mins staring at a blank screen and I end up closing it down. I'm afraid I'll word things wrong, or it will sound stupid when other people read it. I always feel there is a specific way of writing a blog. So now I've decided I'm just going to write what I want.

Life is good right now. Karagh is doing really great :) She is really coming on she's a little fatso now!! Her hair is growing back too! Its looking like it will be very blonde but who knows it could be black in a few weeks ha. She is eating really well, so well that she is waking 3 and 4 times a night for more!! Little rascal. She is trying to sit up on her own too. She looks so funny doing it, we say she is doing her ab crunches haha, she will have a great toned belly in no time! We are really enjoying having our lives back now, doing things together that every other family does! Simple things like going into a shop and not pulling the rain cover over her. I always felt so mean doing that, it was as if we were saying no Karagh you cant see anything. Horrible. Thank god we don't have to do it anymore :)

We are meeting with Michael, Karagh's oncology consultant on the 27th of March. I am going to ring tomorrow to arrange for her CT scans to be there. I want to see her first and last one to be shown the difference. Not that I don't trust them but just to put my own mind at ease. To see the results myself with this NED more real. if that makes sense?

Here is a picture of Karagh's "blonde hair" :)