Sunday, 13 May 2012

Bad dreams

The last 3 nights I have had bad dreams. Of Karagh and cancer. I hate that I have to use those two words in the one sentence!! So wrong. I know its over but its never actually going to be over. Its going to hang over us FOREVER. I dont know why but the last few days the word "relapse" is in my head. All day every day. Thats probably why I'm having these bad dreams. I am terrified its going to happen and I don't know how to get it out of my head. I am dreading Karagh's scans in June in case its bad. But in a way I'm looking forward to them to put my mind at ease again for a few weeks. 3 months in between scans is a long time. Every time she cries I think to myself is she alright? Is the cancer back? Its a nightmare that will just go on and on.



  1. Completely understandable Sarah and it's clearly horrible to have such thoughts at all but I'm confident she'll be fine. She's shown she's a strong fighter and as time passes she'll only get stronger. I guess the best thing is to just try not to torture yourself worrying about something that has been confirmed as gone when there are no signs that it might have returned never mind significant signs. Obviously it's not nice to hear your child crying in some form of discomfort somehow but she's most likely fine. I think the saying "cross that bridge when it comes to it" applies - but more "if" than when.. Worrying is only going to stress you out when you're most likely worrying about something that isn't the case. I guess we all know either from our parents or from kids for those of us who have them that it's impossible for parents to not worry about their kids no matter how well things seem to be and the lack of any risks never mind what you, Keith and Karagh have been through but I think the best thing to do would be to try and get those kinds of thoughts out of your head however possible whether it be keeping a close eye on Karagh or whatever for peace of mind and calming her if she's upset or whatever and then just seeing what happens in June. I know the waiting isn't nice but it won't do you any good to just be thinking about it all the time and stressing yourself out - although I realise it's easier said than done to not think about it all the time but I'd say you get where I'm coming from. I hope that helps in some way although I wouldn't be surprised if there's nothing anyone could say to help things. Also sorry if anything I said sounded patronising - I didn't mean to come across in that way.

  2. Hi Sarah I just want to share with you my own experience of worry and anxiety. My son wad born in july 2010 perfectly healthy but i had a terrible feeling he wasnt.
    That feeling didnt leave me even after his checks in the hospital and with the health nurse. I was convinced something would happen to him i couldnt stop watching him, touching him and even poking him when he was asleep.
    Everytime he cried my stomach did somersaults and i would panic if he wouldnt settle. It got so bad that i would bring him to the doctor on a regular basis to have him checked. I couldnt sleep and couldnt function properly at all.
    In the end i was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder(panic disorder) and depression. I worried myself sick literally.
    My son has never had any significant illness or accident but your child did. You were strong and helped her through all her treatments and kept her going now you need time to get used to her being well.
    A certain amount of worry is normal but dont let it get excessive, talk to someone, say the things that worry you. Life is toi short

  3. Hi Sarah,
    I came across your blog through reading about baby Karagh on the Crumlin Children's Medical Research site. First of all I am so delighted for you that Karagh has done so well. I can relate to all you have written. Our baby daughter has just finished treatment ( chemotherapy / radiotherapy) with Crumlin also and thankfully her scans are clear . Her tumour type is extremely rare and aggressive with a high recurrence rate so we face huge fear and uncertainty for the future. We try to relish every little moment with our precious baby as I know you do too. I just wanted to reach out to you to say that whatever emotion you feel, is valid. No one can go through what we have without the understandable fear of having to endure that awful journey again. But we pray and hope we never will. Wishing your little family all the best .

    1. Thank you for sharing your story with us. If you dont mind me asking, what type does your daughter have? I hope she is well xx

    2. Hi Sarah,
      I just emailed you.

  4. Sorry I havent recieved an email.

    1. Sorry, don't know what happened with it. Our little girl has a different tumour, rhabdoid of kidney. One day I found an old bookmark at home , with an inscription from Padre Pio saying 'pray, hope and don't worry' and to be honest it has been of great comfort to me. Everyone has their own way of coping I suppose . We have to be strong for our little baba's.
      Take care,